


When You're Gone (Letters to Bucky)

by Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa)



Series: Eirlyssa's 2018 Bingo Fills [12]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Epistolary, Hopeful Ending, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Not Entirely Steve Friendly, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, WinterIron Bingo Adventure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 20:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17190044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirlyssa/pseuds/Iron_Eirlyssa
Summary: After Bucky got kidnapped while the two of them were out together, Tony started writing to him.





	When You're Gone (Letters to Bucky)

**Author's Note:**

> My final fill for the WinterIron Bingo Adventure, filling squares B4 - Kidnapping, and G2 - Epistolary fic: Emails/letters/etc.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

_January 31 st_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry._

_It’s been two days since you were taken. We haven’t heard anything about ransom. ~~I’ll pay it, I promise you.~~ ~~I want you back.~~ ~~I need you back.~~ The police haven’t been able to find anything on the people who took you._

_Steve is angry with me. ~~I don’t blame him.~~ He thinks it’s my fault you were taken, because of who I am. Because you were with me._

_I just don’t understand. You fought not to let them take me, but they grabbed you instead. ~~I wish you’d let them take me.~~ It doesn’t make sense. They could’ve taken me. You were knocked out. ~~I fought them, I tried to get to you.~~ But they just broke my arm and left me._

_They should’ve taken me._

_I hope we find you soon. I promise you, we’re trying everything we can. I promise I’ll keep looking for you._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_February 3 rd_

_Dear Bucky,_

_We still haven’t heard anything, from the kidnappers, from you. I hate it. I’m so worried all of the time, and I don’t understand, and I can’t focus on anything. ~~Howard beat~~ Howard isn’t happy with my distraction, but I can’t help it._

_School is terrible. Steve still hates me, and Clint and Natasha won’t talk to me anymore, either. I don’t know if I should try to approach them. I don’t know anything at the moment, except that I hate it and I want you to be here. ~~Please come back?~~ I know it’s not your fault you’re not here. If anything, it’s mine. I just wish I knew what to do to make things better._

_I miss you, so much. I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back. Anything._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_February 6 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I got drunk. It was just all too much, and I hate everything and everyone. Howard and my mom just don’t get it. They’re still stuck on their idea that our relationship was just me trying to get them angry. ~~I hate them~~ ~~They’re stupid~~ They don’t get it and they don’t want to. Then they might actually have to deal with things._

_At least your mom is still willing to talk to me. She sent me a message today how I was doing. I’ll be going over there tomorrow. It feels weird, going there without you. ~~Please come back?~~ Maybe I can help them? I hope so._

_I don’t know. It’s all too much and not enough and the police still haven’t found anything useful and I’d blame them except I can’t think of anything either._

_I won’t stop trying, though. I promise. I’ll find you somehow._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_February 7 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Your mom and Becca are the only ones willing to talk to me. Your other sisters ~~are~~ blame me for what happened, despite your mom saying it wasn’t my fault. ~~I’m not sure it’s true~~ ~~I feel so guilty~~ Becca hugged me though, so that was nice. She mentioned that time where your trip’s bus crashed and you came back then, though you were the only one to, and she kept telling me how you’d come back again this time, too. I want to believe her._

_Other than that, I don’t really know what to say. I still miss you terribly, and I’m sure the lead detective is annoyed by now because I call every day to ask if there’s any news yet. I try to distract myself by doing some work, but I can’t stop thinking about what’s happening to you. If you’re alive. ~~Is it bad that I’m not even sure if it might be better if you’re not?~~ Don’t worry. I won’t stop trying to find you. ~~Just… please be alright?~~ I won’t stop._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_February 14 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_~~Happy Valentine’s day.~~ I miss you, and I love you. You ~~make~~ ~~made~~ make my life better. You always know how to make me smile, and I love how protective you get sometimes. I always feel so safe when you hug me, like nothing bad could ever happen. I love how you’re smart enough to understand me when I talk about mechanical things, but you also bring me down to earth when it’s needed. I can’t wait for the both of us to get our engineering degrees so we can build awesome things ~~that aren’t weapons~~. You’re so amazing, and I’m always amazed it’s me you want to be with, but so very happy. You make me happy. I want to keep living my life with you, keep discovering the world and everything in it. ~~I want you back~~ Thank you for the amazing times we’ve had so far, and I hope there will be many more happy times together._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_February 23 rd_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I’ve been focusing on school, mostly. It doesn’t seem worth it, but then again, nothing really does. The police still doesn’t know anything, and the more time it takes, the less confidence they have that they’ll find anything. ~~The less confidence any of us h~~ I haven’t stopped trying, though, I swear I haven’t. A security camera caught at least some of it, and I’ve hacked my way to it. It doesn’t show a lot, though, except that they were following us. ~~I’m so sorry~~ ~~It’s my fault that~~ I’ve been trying some of the other cameras around, hoping they might have caught something._

_I hope you’re doing alright. ~~That sounds so stupid~~ ~~Sorry, that’s such a childish thing to~~ ~~That was pathetic~~ I promise I won’t stop looking for you. Please be alright. ~~I hate myself~~ ~~I can’t even imagine what you’re going through and here I am being all~~ You’re still the best thing that ever happened to me._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_March 4 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Steve yelled at me. ~~I just didn’t want to be alone~~ I tried to approach them for lunch, and that didn’t go so well. He told me to stay away from all of them, that it was my fault that you were gone. ~~I know it is~~ Clint held him back, but I think Steve would’ve hit me if he hadn’t. ~~Is it bad not to mind that so much?~~ Natasha told me that she would personally make sure I regretted it if I ever approached again, and Bruce just sat there. ~~I just feel so alone~~ ~~I hate myself too~~ I get it, of course. They’re hurting ~~and I don’t deserve any kindness~~ and it’s just all difficult._

_I hate being without you. I wasn’t happy, but you made me happy, and now it’s worse than ever. I don’t blame you, it’s not your fault, I just ~~feel so miserable~~_

_I don’t know. I wish there was more I could do. I wish I knew more. I wish they’d taken me instead. You always deserved so much better. I’m sorry._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_March 10 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_You’re 18 now ~~if you’re still alive~~. I want to wish you a happy birthday, and I mean it, but it sounds so childish and ~~I’m sorry, I’m no good at this~~_

_I had lunch with your mom and Becca. The rest doesn’t want to see me. I know Steve is coming over for dinner, but he doesn’t want to see me either. ~~I don’t want to see myself~~ We talked about you. They had a good laugh about that ice cream story, let me tell you. ~~It’s not enough~~_

_I promise you I’m still trying, but whoever did this was good. I’ve tracked them back to those office buildings we walked by after the arcade, but before that I can’t find out where they came from. ~~I hate that I still don’t get why they took you and not me, especially since they still haven’t asked for money or anything and it still makes no sense and I hate everything~~ I’m still working on it, though, and also working on a program that might be able to help out. I’m not forgetting you, ever. Don’t worry._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_April 25 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Still nothing. Nowhere. Your mom is starting to give up. Becca still hasn’t, though. You came back even though it seemed impossible before, so you’ll do it again. Steve hasn’t given up either, from what I can hear (though I never talk to him or the others anymore). And I haven’t given up. Whoever took you, whatever they want, I’m going to find them and I’ll kill them if I have to to get you back. Anything._

_~~It’s the only thing that keeps me going right now. I hate everything, I want to cry and just give up on life, but the chance that you’re still out there, that there’s something I could be doing to help you means I can’t. Not yet. I know the code to Howard’s gun safe~~ _

_~~I’m just so lonely~~ I still miss you. ~~I sleep with the sweater you left at my house~~ Pathetically much, honestly. But don’t worry, I’m not giving up on finding you. One way or another, I will find you._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_May 29 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Happy Sweet 16 to me, yay! I kind of want to set the entire world on fire, and myself with it. Don’t you think it’d look pretty? One candle, two candle, everything’s on fire. Happy birthday to meeeeeeeee. Life is terrible and it’s not getting any better and I can’t wait until I’m out of this house except then I’ll be so far away from where you were and I hate that part of it. Then again, I hate everything. Everything and everyone and everywhere and everywhy. And that’s not a word, but it should be. I’m gonna make it a word and it’s gonna be awesome and I hope everyone will choke on it. Also alcohol is gross and it makes me feel floaty and even more miserable except the floaty part kind of makes up for it? Mostly I just want to kill the world instead of myself. Is that bad? Probably. It’s all bad, everything is bad, and I hope I get alcohol poisoning and throw up all over Howard because he’s an ass. At least then I’d deserve the hit. Maybe. Do people deserve to be hit for throwing up on other people? Ehh, I’d be sort of doing it on purpose, so maybe. I don’t know. I don’t care. Everything’s floaty. I don’t want to go to bed and wake up for another morning where you’re not there. I hate life since you’re not here. Bet you hate it even worse, wherever you are. If I burn the world down, would we be together again? Whatever, silly question, there’s nothing after death, but at least you wouldn’t be hurting and I wouldn’t be hurting and no one would. Earth would be better off without humans, and ash is good for growth, so maybe it’s really not that bad a plan. Don’t worry, my napalm bomb will save you!_

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_June 4 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Graduation. ~~It sucked~~ ~~I hated it~~ You should have been here. Not because it was anything special, but because it should have been **yours**. Everyone graduated except you, and we all missed you._

_They mentioned you, how you should’ve been there. Is it weird that I nearly cried and also wanted to hit him? I just miss you so much, and I’m so so sorry we haven’t found you yet. We will, though. I will keep trying._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_July 25 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_They declared you ‘presumed dead’. Fuck them. There’s no body, I’m not gonna stop looking. ~~I still don’t know if it’s better for you to be alive or not by now, considering how long you’ve been away~~ Your mom broke down, though. Couldn’t stop crying, and she hasn’t wanted to see me at all. Becca told me she also refused to see Steve. Out of everyone, at least she’s still willing to see me. She thinks it’s stupid to think it was my fault ~~and I hope she’s right~~ I even asked my mother, because I’m not sure Howard would’ve told me if there was any demands for ransom, but she told me there had been nothing. It’s weird and suspicious. Worse, it makes it a lot more difficult to know where to look. If it helps - by now, I’ve got pretty much all of the camera images from all over New York for that afternoon and the days before, to see if they’d been following ~~me~~ one of us before then. It’s too much to look through, but I’m working on a program for that. I have not stopped looking and I won’t, I promise._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_September 14 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_MIT is fine. At least I’m learning stuff here, actual new stuff that I didn’t know yet. It also helps that I’m away from Howard now. No one much likes me, but no one really hates me either, so it’s okay I guess? I’m mostly just ignored and left to do my own thing, and in some ways it’s actually helping. Still, I wish it could’ve been the way we planned, with you right here with me and sharing a room and being happy together. I mean, I’m not as miserable as before, but I’m not happy either. And I’m still so worried about you. And I still miss you. And I promise you, I am still looking._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_November 29 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Thanksgiving sucked. My thanks mostly consists of ‘happy to be away from Howard’. I got drunk again, pretty badly actually. Had to throw the sheets away._

_This is no way to live. I’m miserable and missing you **every damn day** , still. ~~I’ve wanted to kill myself so many~~ I just hate most things, and then I start feeling bad, because you’re either **dead** or quite possibly worse and then I feel terrible for feeling bad when it’s no doubt so much worse for you and I just don’t know what to do with myself._

_This is not the way things were supposed to go. Aside from the regular homework and the program that’s supposed to help me look for you (I am still working on that, I promise, it’s just very complicated… I might be better off just making a fully-functioning AI) I’ve also been looking into a time machine. Silly, right? Still, if there’s a way to change the way things are now, I have to try._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_December 25 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Merry Christmas. It probably sucks for you even more than for me. I did get to see Becca - she’s still awesome. Not sure how much she still believes that you’re still alive, considering that might actually be the worse option and I think she knows that, but she’s not letting it get her down. I should try to be more like that, instead._

_Steve glared at me when we saw one another. Pretty sure he hates me, still. ~~Not as much as I do~~ The rest was there as well - they looked like they were having fun, though seeing me kind of ruined that cheer._

_Being back at the mansion kind of slowed down my progress on my projects, considering Howard, but once my wrist is back to being not sprained and able to move, there’s a few ideas that I had that might be able to help get you back. Don’t you worry, Bucky. I’m still looking._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_January 29 th_

_Dear Bucky,_

_It’s been a year now. A year, and not a word about you, no way to find you. It’s like you disappeared into thin air._

_Doesn’t help that the police stopped looking, of course, but still. I’ve been working on it as well, and there is **nothing**. I’ve been trying to track our movements the days before, but there’s just too many images to go through and not enough quality ~~and it all sounds like excuses and I’m so sorry~~ That doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped looking, though. The program I was telling you about isn’t going to work, not unless the pictures are better quality, but there is another idea that I had that just might work. I’m working on it, I promise._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_March 10 th, Year 2_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Your second birthday away. I would wish you a happy one, and I mean it, but I know it’s not that likely. ~~I don’t want to hope you’re dead~~ I have no idea what to say, honestly. I’m sorry for not finding you yet. I’m sorry for letting you get taken in the first place. That time machine doesn’t look like it’ll work anytime soon, but the program I’m working on is starting to take shape. There’s a practice run I’m doing with a less advanced version, and it’s not done yet, but I have high hopes. I haven’t given up on you yet. Never will, either, until I’ve found you._

_Love,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_September 19 th, Year 2_

_Dear Bucky,_

_There’s this guy I met at MIT, James Rhodes. I call him Rhodey. I think you’d have liked him - he takes absolutely no shit, but he’s a really good guy. I think we might be becoming friends? He doesn’t seem like some of the other people that have tried to get close to me. Honestly, the first time we met, he told me I looked tired (well, “like shit” were his words) and then got me a coffee before class. He actually paid for it! I think that’s a good sign, don’t you? I still miss you, and I haven’t given up on looking for you still, but things might be looking up a bit at last._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_November 8 th, Year 2_

_Dear Bucky,_

_My first project was a success!!! His name is DUM-E, and I’ll freely admit he’s not the brightest robot around, but he can **learn**. He understands, and comprehends things (mostly… Humans not eating motor oil is a work in progress, still) and he learns new things._

_There is another, bigger project I’m working on for you, but that one isn’t done yet. It’s going to need to be a lot more complicated than DUM-E. I’ll get there, though, I promise._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_January 29 th, Year 3_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Is it any use looking for you? Are you still alive? If you are, do you even **want to be**? ~~I know I don’t~~ I mean, I am still working on it, and other things, and still living, and I hate all of it and I’m just not sure about anything anymore. What use is living if it’s all miserable anyway, and you don’t really see things getting better?_

_I just want to be able to turn time back and be back in your arms again..._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_March 10 th, Year 3_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I’m sorry. You always deserved better than me, and I knew that, but still, I am sorry._

_I tried giving up, after the last letter I sent you. Some stuff had happened, and there was someone… I’m sorry, I genuinely thought she liked me, and I was wondering if I perhaps deserved ~~to have~~ to feel okay again. Shows how much I know, I guess. She was just after weapon plans. I’m a moron._

_Rhodey found me and took me to the hospital. He’s living with me now. Honestly, he and DUM-E are the only good things that have happened to me since you got taken. He’s tried to convince me to see a psychologist, and it might be a good idea, but I’m terrified they’ll be like that one therapist mom tried to send me to when I was 13. Good thing I hadn’t really told her anything spectacular yet. He’s promised to look into it, though - apparently the mom of a friend of his knows some people._

_~~I know I don’t deserve to live~~ ~~Things are difficult for me~~ I don’t quite know what to do with myself a lot of the time. But you deserve to have someone looking for you, still. You deserve to be found and, if possible, freed. So if it helps me ~~keep from killing myself~~ get through the days so I can do something to get you back, then I might actually go through with that therapy idea._

_You deserve the world._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_June 8 th, Year 3_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Well, I’ve started seeing a therapist. Go me. Rhodey says he’s proud of me. I’m 18 now, so I can get away with not letting Howard and mom know about it. Mom would probably support me, but she also might mention it to Howard, and we both know how he’d react._

_I’ve had some trouble talking about things, or at least the things that matter. My therapist says I have a tendency of talking a lot, but not saying a whole lot. But he did help me find some ways to deal with bad moments that don’t involve alcohol or anything that is probably bad for me, so there’s some progress?_

_Speaking of, I’ve had some new ideas for that program… I put them into another bot, this one named U, and he’s a lot more intelligent than poor DUM-E already, bless him. I think I’m on the right track. I’m just sorry it’s taking so long, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up. I never will, not on you._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_December 20 th, Year 3_

_Dear Bucky,_

_My parents are dead. Car accident. I still find it difficult to believe. Obie says that’ll probably last for a while._

_I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what to feel. Or maybe I’m feeling too much, I don’t know. I’m happy and I’m sad and I’m relieved and I’m terrified and it’s all just jumbled up inside. I want to cry and scream and drink and I’m so tempted to do the last one even though I know it’s dangerous._

_Good idea, calling my therapist. Thank you for being there for me and listening, Bucky. I’ll write to you again soon._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_December 23 rd, Year 3_

_Dear Bucky,_

_The funeral was today. I wasn't expecting them, but Steve and the others were there, too. Steve was different - they all were. But Steve was the most obvious. He got bigger, lots, and stronger. I'm not sure it looks entirely natural. Natasha moved even more like she's some sort of snake cat, Clint was more wary, and Bruce was... He seemed more afraid of his surroundings than ever, but it looked less like he was afraid they would hurt him and more like he was afraid he would hurt them? They still didn't talk to me, though, which... Were they there for my parents? I didn't even know they knew Howard or my mom. Then again, there might be plenty I don't know._

_I still don't know how to find you. I still hate it. But I might be able to work on it more, now. Don't worry, Bucky. I will find out what happened one way or another. I **will** find you._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_January 29 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Another year, and I still haven't been able to find you. I'm so sorry, Bucky. I feel like I should be able to do better than this, but there's not a whole lot to find and I have trouble seeing if there's anything in the camera images. I'm really trying, I swear - when I'm not working on the program that should be able to help (or working, considering I do have to do some things for SI even though Obie was willing to take over a lot of it) I'm looking at the images myself, but there's... it's difficult to find. I'm kind of afraid, because it actually looks like they might have been following you instead of me, and that just doesn't make sense to me. Why would someone want to hurt you?_

_I **am** still working on it. I promise._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_March 10 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Happy birthday, Bucky. I'm nearly done with the program, I **swear** \- if you are still alive, you will **not** have to spend another birthday with whoever has kidnapped you, I promise. I'm nearly there._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_April 5 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_JARVIS is done!!! He's still requiring some training, but he will figure out the images and he **will** be able to help me find you. I've been incredibly busy with him, to the exclusion of pretty much everything else. Rhodey has been amazing though - he's kept me supplied with food and everything. I might have cursed at him a few times when he dragged me to bed, but I really do appreciate it. When I find you, I can't wait to introduce you to him. I think the two of you would like each other._

_Also, I think I figured out what happened to Steve and the others. Or at least, what the purpose of it was. They're not exactly subtle, not to anyone who knows them. Apparently they are superheroes now, fighting threats. There's been an increase of threats, or maybe I'm just more aware of them now. I don't think so, though. Calling them 'villains' sounds so juvenile, but they're not quite terrorists either. They hurt other people and they have some powers as well, sometimes. It's on the news more often now, which makes me think that either they didn't exist before, or someone was doing a huge cover-up, because these kinds of powers seem like they should be obvious._

_But yeah. Steve is strong and has some sort of frisbee shield as a weapon? Natasha is using her ballet and martial arts for good, as well as guns and knives from what I can tell. Clint is actually better with his bow than he used to be, good enough that he's actually using it to fight 'villains'. And Bruce... I don't know what they did to him, if it was even their intention, but he turns big and green and super strong, though the others seem somewhat wary of him as well._

_I’ll keep you updated._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_May 18 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_This isn't working. I have JARVIS, and he's found stuff, but... Bucky, were you taken by some sort of supernatural organisation? Because the more I look, the more it looks like the kinds of things you see on tv. I know for a fact one of the people who took you has actually turned **invisible** a few times, because **I saw him do it on a camera**. Did you know about these kinds of things without telling me? Is this why the others had themselves changed somehow? I don't know anymore, and sometimes it just makes me feel so hopeless because it seems like I don't know anything ~~and it seems like no one cares enough to tell me, either~~._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_May 26 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_It was Howard. He helped do whatever happened to Steve and Bruce and Natasha and Clint. I found the files. Some serum, more effective on some than on others. He's apparently been developing for years already, but it seems to depend on the person what the effects are and if they're good or bad. It didn't do much for Clint, and less for Natasha than Steve (though they both got strength and healing to some extent), and Bruce was apparently mutated somehow so that he has a secondary personality that he changes into for fights (though not to the extent some other guy had it, who can't even change back anymore and who seems a mindless monster)._

_I think I need to do something. Because the more I look into things, the more it looks like you're also involved in all of this somehow. And I can't keep up with things like these, not physically. But I've seen Howard's notes, and I don't want to try the serum. Not the way it is now (though I think I might be able to make it better. I don't want that to be my priority, though. Not when I still haven't found you, and not when it'll take even longer). I have another idea anyway. You'll see._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_August 2 nd, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_HYDRA. They're the ones that took you. I figured it out. That stupid bus accident was the reason for this. They managed to find out that you’d managed to survive when you shouldn’t have, and then they came for you so much later no one would ever connect those dots._

_I am so sorry that I can't do anything yet, but I promise you, it won't take long. I've got my other project finished too - Iron Man is now a superhero as well. I'm still practicing and improving, but he can help. I can help. Steve is willing to work together with Iron Man, though I have made sure that he doesn't know it's me. I didn't think he'd still be willing to work together if he knew, all things considered. He knows Iron Man has some association with me, but he doesn't know it **is** me. I'm getting close, I promise. I'll save you._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_August 28 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I've got a plan! It requires the 'Avengers' - how Steve and his group are called. That shouldn't be a problem, though. I can't wait to see you again. I do understand you've suffered... God, it's been years that you've been with them. Of course you've suffered. I even understand you might not be the same person you were when you were taken, or that... You know, things can be different. I understand. ~~I might be different~~ ~~You might hate me~~ ~~I was never good enough~~ I hope I can get to know you again. I will be there for whatever you need. I'm so sorry I wasn't faster, but only a few more days and I'll be there, Bucky. Soon, I promise._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_September 9 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I get it. I still love you, and I've missed you a lot, but I do get it. I just hope you'll want to see me too, soon._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_October 30 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Steve's been telling me you don't want to see me. I've kept trying, and I am sorry if it annoys you, but I just... I've missed you, so much, you know? And I don't get why you are comfortable with Steve, but not with me. ~~Am I not good enough?~~ I know he's your friend, I **do**. But I've missed you too. I've missed you, and I want to see you. I don't want to force you, though. I don't want to use the fact that I was the one who found out where you were, the one who **arranged the entire thing to get you out** , just to get to see you. I just... hope I get to see you soon._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_December 25 th, Year 4_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Merry Christmas. ~~I hope you’re~~ ~~What have you been up~~_

_I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I keep asking, but all I’m getting is Steve, and he keeps telling me that you don’t want to see me. I know you’ve seen your family by now - Becca, at least, is still willing to talk to me. She says you’re doing somewhat better, though you’re obviously not the same. Quieter, more withdrawn._

_Just… Could I just see you one time? I don’t want to cheat it by going to see you as Iron Man. Or, well, we have seen one another in the field once or twice. But it’s not the same. I want you to be willing to see **me**. Is that so much to ask for?_

_I’m sorry. You must be struggling with everything, still. I don’t want to make demands. It’s just… I’ve missed you so much. And everyone else is allowed to get closer again, to get to know the person you are now, except me. ~~It’s making me unsure~~ ~~I can kind of feel myself slipping back~~ ~~Rhodey is kind of angry~~_

_I’ll try to be patient. I’m still here for you, if you want me._

_Love you forever,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_January 29 th, Year 5_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I haven’t spoken to you for five years, now. I still miss you, more than I can express in any letter._

_I got the message. I’ve tried, ever since we got you back, but you still don’t want to see me. I’ll stop asking. I’ve made it more than clear what I want, and I know that’s not the same as what you want._

_I’ll focus on the company more. I’ll probably see you in the field as Iron Man, but yeah… It’s not the same. It’s not **me** , in some ways._

_Rhodey’s helped. As has the therapy. I wasn’t… doing great, a few weeks ago. But Rhodey is an awesome friend, and Yinsen is a great therapist. They’ve helped out, made sure I didn’t do anything too bad. I’ll figure something out. I’ll find a way to keep going._

_I hope you have an amazing life, and that you get whatever you want, whatever you need. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop loving you, and after Sunset I don’t even know about **wanting** to move on, but I guess I’ll have to, one way or another. So yeah. Have a great life filled with happiness, Bucky._

_Goodbye,_  
_Tony._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

_April 25 th_

_~~Dear~~ ~~Hey~~ Dear Tony,_

_I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I should’ve known, but I didn’t ~~and I’m so angry with myself and with Steve and with~~._

_Your friend, James Rhodes, he gave me your letters. All of them._

_At the beginning, I didn’t want to see anyone. Not even Steve, to be honest, but… well, he made it impossible not to. And it was easier to hide behind him. So back then, I told him I didn’t want to see anyone. ~~But he lied~~ He’d tell me about my family asking to see me. It took a while, but I went to see them eventually. He never told me about you asking. I thought you didn’t want to see me. That everything I’d done was too much, that you’d moved on. ~~I was an idiot~~ ~~I should’ve known better~~ And I just wanted to hide, so I didn’t try, either._

_I’m so sorry, Tony. ~~I still love~~ Hell, in your letters, you are so **understanding**. Because I don’t feel the same. I’m not even sure I **am** the same. And ~~you’re~~ you’ve been through things as well, experienced things. You’re right - neither of us are probably the same anymore. But I know I loved you back then, and I ~~think I still~~ would like to see if there’s still something there, or if there’s something new._

_When I heard, I came immediately. I might’ve thought you didn’t want to see me, that you didn’t care ~~(God, I was so **stupid** )~~ , but I still care, and just the thought of you dying without even being able to see you again ~~or say goodbye~~_

_I got so angry with Steve. So angry. He tried to explain, of course. ~~It just didn’t make any sense.~~ If I had to summarize it, it’d be something along the lines of ‘can’t handle being wrong’. He blamed you at the start ~~which is already stupid~~ ~~what kind of friend~~ ~~it’s not even like there’s anything you could’ve~~ and then ignored any evidence to the contrary. Including finding out exactly why HYDRA had taken me, and the fact that it had **nothing** to do with you._

_And now there’s a possibility that I won’t get to talk to you again. That I won’t get to say sorry, that you were **never** at fault for any of this ~~and~~. I read your letters and I hate that you felt so terribly. I hate that, even after you did everything you could to find me and get me back, ~~I never tried to see you~~ ~~I didn’t want to see you~~ things went so wrong and you got the impression that I ~~ever stopped loving you~~ didn’t want to see you, specifically, at all. I’m so sorry, Tony._

_Please wake up. ~~I know I don’t deserve it, and~~ It’s selfish to think this, but I want to say sorry to you. I want to tell you that you’re amazing, and that I want you to be happy even if we don’t end up together again, and that you **deserve** to live._

_Your friends got Stane arrested. From what I hear, evidence is piling up, and he’s not likely to be getting out. I told Steve a start to making up for what he’d done would be to keep a close eye out, and he knows people, so he won’t be getting out illegally, either. ~~If~~ When you wake up, you’ll be safe. I promise. Just please, **please** wake up._

_~~I miss you~~ ~~I’ve never stopped loving~~ ~~I thought about you so much~~ I hope we can get a chance to get to know each other again. See what kinds of people we are now, how we fit into each other’s lives. Please, **please** wake up._

_Bucky._

 

∞ ✉ ∞

He’d just started to doze off when there was a soft groan from the bed, making him bolt up. “Tony!”

**Author's Note:**

> So to start, I headcanon that they will be just fine in the end, because I don't like unhappy endings. In case anyone was worried: author says it's supposed to have ended well :P
> 
> Secondly, this was a new way for me to write, and I hope everything that happened etc. was clear enough. If you have any questions, though, please do feel free to ask them in a comment or over on my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Finally, I hope you enjoyed it and that you all have a lovely day!


End file.
